Homo Liberalis: a Field Guide to Identifying Liberals in the Wild

Knowing the enemy

OK, I may not have been entirely serious in posting this…

Zoologists have long been fascinated by the species Homo Liberalis, known widely by its non-scientific designation as the Wild North American Yellow-Bellied Liberal. This species, found all across North America, differs somewhat from its more successful European cousins. Though widely considered a pest creature by farmers, small business owners, and taxpayers, this species has nevertheless garnered the interest of scientists seeking to study it in its natural habitats.

The best way to study homo liberalis is in the wild. Indeed, it is considered detrimental to try to domesticate this species or to import it into your own habitat, due to the destructive and invasive tendencies it displays. As with any wild animal, caution is recommended when interacting with liberals. This species can be very unpredictable if you do not know how to handle it properly. Under no circumstances should the field observer ever voluntarily allow homo liberalis near a voting booth.

It is our hope that, by heeding the instructions and advice of this field guide, your experience of observing homo liberalis from a distance will prove to be instructive and rewarding. Despite its many shortcomings, this species can be highly entertaining, and indeed, in many cases individual liberals can provide hours of amusement as they are observed in their natural habitats. Below are listed several of the most common subspecies of homo liberalis that you will encounter in the wild. This is not, of course, an exhaustive listing of the wide variety that can be found among this species.

Homo Liberalis Marxistus

Habitat: Washington D.C., Ottawa, all the state and provincial capitals, New York City, university humanities departments all across the continent.

Marxistus is considered by many zoologists, as well as many individuals within this subspecies itself, as being the most primitive and "pure" of all the homo liberalis subspecies. Indeed, the other subspecies of liberals appear to genetically derive from marxistus. This subspecies is most commonly found wherever political power is concentrated; taxpayer monies appear to be one of the primary sources of sustenance for marxistii. This invasive subspecies exhibits a ravenous appetite and will aggressively seek other food sources when it exhausts its current supplies.

Many liberologists who observe marxistii in the wild have noted that this subspecies will often engage in swarming behavior similar to that seen with termite infestations. Individual marxistii will serve as "scouts," establishing themselves within the architecture of a university, political party, or other territorial unit. These scouts will them chemically signal to other marxistii who then can invade the new nesting ground with little resistance. In this way, marxistus propagates without ever having to build anything for itself.

When making observations of marxistus in the field, certain precautions must be taken. It is wise to keep your wallet on a chain, or even not to bring it on safari, due to the marxistus habit of picking pockets. Be careful not to anger marxistii which occupy positions within government – while not a direct physical threat, marxistus is still capable of ruining your day using their bureaucracy stink glands. If you should find yourself the object of marxistus attention in the wild, expect to be the target of a regulatory charge – therefore, it is highly recommended that you do not encourage marxistus by overfeeding it.

Homo Liberalis Unionus

Habitat: The Rust Belt, non-right to work states.

Unionus is perhaps the most physically robust of all subspecies of homo liberalis, which is likely due to the greater proportion of meat in its diet as compared to the other subspecies. This, as well as its tendency to camouflage itself with flannel, denim, and work clothing, allows it blend in more easily among other, non-liberal, creatures. However, unionus will soon unmask itself whenever a dispute over monetary sustenance arises, and unionii will almost always seek to sap the source of that sustenance in an effort to destroy it.

Like marxistus, unionus is widely observed to display swarming behavior. Unionii in large numbers have even been known to overwhelm entire industries, forcing them to flee their former habitats and even cross oceans to escape the exorbitant territorial demands of unionus. As a result, this subspecies, especially, should be classified as an invasive pest, and efforts have been made by liberologists to control its spread. Thankfully, recent control efforts in several states appear to have been successful in confining unionus to a more restricted habitat.

Extreme caution should be exercised when interacting with unionus, especially when it is engaged in swarming behavior. This subspecies is noted for its violence when attempting to establish itself in a new habitat, and in many cases, its behavior would approximate that typically associated with "organized crime" among more advanced species of creatures. It is recommended that field observers dealing with unionus should carry with them either forged membership cards or a large-caliber safari rifle for self-defense.

Homo Liberalis Affluentius

Habitat: The Acela corridor from Washington D.C. to Boston, Toronto, any suburban or urban area where the homes are valued at greater than $1,000,000.

Affluentius is an interesting specimen. This subspecies is often considered to be suspect by other subspecies of liberals. As a result, affluentius has developed behavioral patterns designed to ingratiate itself with them. Adept at mimicry, homo liberalis affluentius will seek out and emulate behavioral goals held by other subspecies of liberals, often changing its mimicry pattern several times a year based upon its perceptions about its environment.

Because affluentius generally inhabits wealthy regions across the country, this subspecies is often relied upon by other subspecies, especially marxistus, as a source of monetary sustenance for fueling ongoing territorial expansion by homo liberalis. The female members of affluentius, especially, are prone to trying to defang or otherwise render incapable of self-defense members of non-liberal species. It must be emphasized again that this subspecies appears to display behavior that, in higher organisms with more developed brains and central nervous systems, would be described as "guilt," because of the relative glut of food resources available to them. However, despite this abundance, affluentius rarely yields its own excess supplies to poorer creatures, but rather seeks to develop mechanisms for inducing other, less well-funded creatures to do so instead.

Affluentius is easily identified in the wild. Because of the relative restriction of their habitat, the field observer need not bother looking for this subspecies in rural areas, or indeed, in any region that does not have ready access to yachting, snow skiing, or high-end shopping. This subspecies will often decorate its transportational devices with plumage identifiers known as "bumper stickers," by which it will signal to other subspecies of liberals its solidarity with them, despite the transportational device costing more in monetary sustenance than the entire nesting sites of some other liberals.

Homo Liberalis Rusticus

Habitat: Scattered populations throughout the Mountain West and the Northwest seaboard, though isolated populations can be found in mountainous and forested areas throughout the United States and Canada.

Rusticus is somewhat unique among Homo Liberalis subpopulations in that it is primarily found in rural and wilderness areas instead of the typical urban-to-suburban habitats in which most wild liberals live. Sightings of rusticus were first reported in the early 1970s, and field observations at the time reported many rusticus individuals engaging in a behavior known as "seeking a Rocky Mountain high." Because of this, some liberologists have theorized that rusticus is in fact a mutated form of another homo liberalis subspecies known as dirtiushippius, which is now almost extinct.

Rusticus is perhaps the most genuinely ecologically-minded of all the liberal subspecies. Because of its preference for wilderness biomes, this subspecies often engages in what has been described as "eco-friendly" cottage industries, especially those involving pottery, weaving, and other handicrafts. Rusticus is also known to have a strong preference for collecting and arranging scrap metal into more or less random arrangements, constructions which are referred to in its native language as "art," a term which liberolinguists theorize most closely translates to "piles of junk" in English. Most often, these "piles of junk" are displayed on the individual rusticus' nesting ground, and those which include various types of noise-making devices are hypothesized to be mating calls, alerting other rusticii of the opposite sex of the individual's fitness as a "piles of junk" builder.

When interacting with rusticii in the field, caution is generally not necessary as the subspecies tends toward docility due to its habit of burning various weeds that it finds in its environment and breathing in the smoke. Note, however, that this tends to make the rusticus hungry, so it is advisable to bring along a pizza or other munchies when observing rusticus in its natural habitat. A homo liberalis rusticus can often be discerned at a distance by the subspecies' habit of wearing extensive facial hair, nearly always for the males, somewhat less so for the females. Due to its infrequent bathing habits, this subspecies can also be identified by smell.

Homo Liberalis Activistius

Habitat: Urban and suburban areas continent-wide.

The subspecies activistius is distinguished from other subspecies of liberals by its loud squawking noise and tendency to invade the personal space of individuals from other groups. The noise it produces is theorized to be a mechanism of social dominance used to cow other species into submission and obedience. Indeed, this subspecies of liberal is believed to be the most concerned of them all with domination and power relationships towards other creatures. This theory is substantiated by the peculiar habit of activistius of decorating itself with brightly colored plumage in the form of signs and banners. This plumage is understood to "rank" individual activistii within their subspecies' social system, and the flocking behavior that accompanies the displays of this plumage appears to be intended to intimidate other species into submissive activity.

Activistius comes in several varieties. Feministus is identified by the verbal dominance of its females, the passivity and emasculation of its males, and the horrific tendency to kill its own young. Sodomitus is remarkable for its biologically stultifying reproductive behavior. Civilrightsius is extremely territorial and has been observed in the wild as demanding ever larger shares of territories belonging to other creatures. Surveys of inmigrantus illicitus, similarly, have shown this variety to be very expansionistic, invading the habitats of other creatures and undercutting their economic ecologies. Antibellus is identified by its loud and expressive opposition to armed conflicts; however, this variety has been observed to undergo prolonged hibernational periods whenever a Democrat occupies the office of the Presidency. Envirowackius is somewhat unique in that it appears to carry a detrimental mutation that affects its sense of touch and feeling; the colder this individual gets, the warmer it mistakenly believes its environment to be. These varieties are certainly capable of interbreeding and producing hybrids as well; sodomitus, however, tends to disdain this activity, choosing instead to reproduce itself by stealing the young from the nests of other creatures.

Caution is recommended when approaching activistius in the field. Individuals from this subspecies have been known to become violent when they perceive that their territorial imperatives are not being taken seriously by other creatures. This subspecies of liberal also tends to flock together in large numbers and, as a result, the collective volume level is amplified synergistically. Earplugs are highly recommended.

Homo Liberalis Scholasticus

Habitat: College towns all across the United States and Canada.

This particular subspecies is noted for its immaturity and mimicry of behavioral patterns considered obsolete by older members of other, non-liberal, species. Scholasticus is most commonly found nesting on university campuses – occasionally it may be found indoors in classrooms, but most often in open areas where it can be seem engaging in automimicry behavior with its fellows. Despite possessing little in the way of survival skills or instincts, scholasticii nevertheless have a tendency to view themselves as well-adapted to just about any habitat, including those such as "business," for which they are particular poorly prepared. Field observations indicate that some scholasticii tacitly acknowledge their lack of adaptation and prefer to remain in their natural habitat, often nesting in specialized nurseries known in their language as "graduate schools."

Scholasticus is an enigmatic and poorly-understood creature. Many liberologists have reporting conflicting behavioral patterns from this subspecies. While considering themselves to be solitary hunters and gatherers, most scholasticii actually display a tendency towards flocking behavior on par with that seen in activistius. Indeed, mimicry and imitation appear to be the most outstanding traits of this subspecies. Further, while many scholasticii pretend to identify with other creatures that lack in monetary sustenance, in reality, many of this subspecies, especially at more costly universities, are the recipients of a steady stream of sustenance from food storage sources known as "trust funds."

When observing scholasticus in the wild, the subspecies can often be identified by unique plumage identifiers such as "dreadlocks," colorful feathering known as "tie-dye" and "rasta beanies," and a general unkempt appearance. Many liberologists have also noted that this subspecies gives off a set of unique odors that closely correlate with patchouli oil. It is unknown at this time whether this is inherent to scholasticus, or if it is another attempt at biomimicry. Danger from this subspecies should be relatively low, though patience is often needed when dealing with undomesticated individuals.